I have a huge fear of commitment.
Not at all uncommon for people who have suffered great loss.
I tell myself that if I don’t commit, I won’t feel loss.
I work extremely hard to not depend on anyone.
I’m extremely wary of dependence.
I don’t want to experience more loss.
Having needs makes me vulnerable.
For the first couple of years after the separation, I wouldn’t let anyone get close at all.
No men.
Gradually I began resuming having male friends. Re-acclimating my nervous system to feel safe in their presence.
Once I’d assembled an army of male friends and felt safe enough, I started dating.
Dates with dozens of guys to remind myself how dating works. Little chance of commitment given my chaotic schedule and frequent travel. I was not seeking commitment.
So I’m not sure how I ended up seeing the same person for seven months. I think it surprised us both. It was fun, lots…
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