Grieving Endings, Inviting New Beginnings

Starting out the new year hopeful. (Yes, I know cheetoh-in-chief was inaugurated this week.)

I said goodbye to many things last year, including my first-ever car and a front tooth, both damaged beyond repair in a crash in April. I also said goodbye to a job, a writing partnership, and a sexual relationship that all ceased to be healthy for me. All were good while they lasted.

I’m not great at goodbyes. I don’t like things to end. Especially things I really valued.

I was really sad to lose Jax, my trusty Honda C-RV, who helped me drive away from my old life and into a new one. I wasn’t ready for that end. And I miss my tooth. Eight months later and I still only have a temporary one. Dental implants take a long time and cost a lot of money. But I get a permanent replacement next month!

The other three endings were my doing and on purpose. I wasn’t trying to end my relationship with my car—it was an accident. My car didn’t hurt me. In fact, my car took better care of me than many people for many years. (My car’s airbag punched me in the face, resulting in the damaged tooth and lip laceration, but I don’t blame Jax for that and am grateful it wasn’t worse!)

The relationships I chose to end last year with people, I chose to end because the relationships were no longer good for me. They were relationships with people who undervalued me. Which was the kind of relationships I had for a long time and can no longer tolerate.

It doesn’t feel good to feel undervalued. It also doesn’t feel great to walk away from multiple relationships in short order with people who didn’t value me enough but did value me some. Because it left me with few people valuing me at all.

That part doesn’t feel great, but that part is what left me open to welcoming in new people who do truly value me. And finding those people.