I Cry When People Die and Then Get Mad at Myself

How about you?

Yesterday my kid brother told me a classmate of his died, and I burst into tears. This morning I learned of the death of one of my dad’s close friends and the same damn thing happened. Right in the middle of the coffeeshop.

How did I become this person who cries when people die? How did I become this person who cries?

I swear my ex was doing his damnedest much of the time to get me to cry. Deepening my resolve not to. I refused to cry for so many years to refuse pleasure to people trying to hurt me. I also learned how not to be ticklish or blush.

Control my body much?

I grew up with a father who couldn’t cry. Because it was shamed out of him. Just like it was shamed out of me.

My dad didn’t cry. His whole f*cking body shook as he tried desperately to pretend he wasn’t having feelings. I remember being absolutely terrified the first time I witnessed it. Sitting next to me at my Great Aunt Sara Prather’s funeral. I still remember the double-pleated hem of my pink cotton skirt and my whi…