Loss by Association

I deprive myself of things I associate with people I've lost. As comfort.

When I lose a person and it hurts—which is basically whenever I lose a person in any way from my life—I find myself instinctively avoiding things I associate with that person. To avoid reminders of loss. Because being reminded hurts.

Things I associate with a person serve as triggers, yanking the scab off wounds that have barely begun to heal. The deeper the association with an absent person, the longer I can avoid things that remind me of them.

I avoided grocery stores, cooking, running, sex, and international travel for years because I associated them with my ex. Having shared them with him more so than anyone else for more than a decade.

Grocery Stores Shut Me Down

More than once I walked out of a grocery store having purchased nothing. Sometimes in tears. Because something triggered me deeply on any of the aisles in any of several grocery stores I frequented. Turns out we make lots of associations when we buy and prepare food for other people for a decade or more.

To overcome what…