Mourning the Old Me

Are my motivation and drive things of the past?

I’m not sure if I’m experiencing autistic burnout or a major depressive episode, but I sorely miss the me I most like being.

I enjoy getting things done. I enjoy making extremely long lists for myself and then crossing every single item off in the course of a single morning. I enjoy jumping out of bed with vigor and vim.

I have very little vigor and absolutely no vim.

I need more income but I’ve been reluctant to apply for jobs because I also feel like I’m barely surviving. I really don’t understand how I am supposed to do more. Even though everyone expects me to do more, and very few people want to help. (Much love and gratitude to those who do.)

It is hard needing help when you’ve spent your entire life not needing help. Because it means I’ve surrounded myself with people who don’t expect me to need help. Meaning they don’t react well when I do.

…