Sentencing Myself to Hell

Why I Do It Again and Again

I signed up to write about grief every Wednesday.

Because Wednesday is for woe.

And because I find dedicating a day to grief keeps it from overtaking me on other days.

Pretty much everything I do is to avoid greater pain.

Like most humans, I am motivated most by pain.

I woke up this morning and meditated while doing yoga.

Because my lower back hurts from all the moving I have done recently.

And I can’t function without clarity.

I spend my mornings opening my mind and body because it hurts when I don’t.

It is that simple.

I do not enjoy pain.

I convinced myself much of my life I enjoyed pain.

Because my life involved pain and I wanted to enjoy it.

In truth, I don’t enjoy pain. Despite being better able to withstand it than others. I enjoyed that, but not the pain.

I no longer enjoy being able to withstand more pain than others. Making me pretty intolerant to p…