The Grief of Overwhelm

Distinct, sometimes, from the overwhelm of grief.

I reached overwhelm this past week.

Because I like to feel in control and have been coached by countless humans to take responsibility for my role in things, I am quick to find all the ways I am to blame for my overwhelm.

I rarely need to look far.

I do an insane amount in many of my waking hours and like to run my life packing as much as I possibly can into however much time I have left. Because I don’t know how long that will be, and I have LOTS of things I want to do before I die.

Feeling trapped and limited by a divorce that felt like it would never end just made me more aware of my limited time.

Which makes me try to make my every day count.

But then other people have needs—often many people all at once—that pull me away from the work I’m trying to do.

And when I’m pulled away, the things I told myself I was going to do each day don’t get done. Leaving me feeling like I am breaking promises and not fulfilling obligations.

Which makes me feel like sh!t. And jumping back in and pla…